At first glance you might turn your head and puke,but I'm a really sweet guy. I always kill my gerbils before I boil them, I take care of my elderly manically depressed dog. She's a sweetie pie, but howls during intercourse very loudly. Hopefully if you're ever over, you can sleep during the noises!

Honestly you should marry me. I mean, come on. We won the war, now let me win your heart by showing you my hillariously tiny penis....i call it my man clit. The technical medical term is micropenis, you can Google it.

Our country is a beautiful one, with features you can only find in America. And I hope you can appreciate what makes us as Americans unique. From our NASCAR to our fast food, we are the best. So if you think you can use this site as a joke and marry me so you can come over here with the rest of your pathetic immigrant pieces of Russian shit, you must be kidding. I fucking hate Russians and consider them less than the Nigger that empties my trash bin. I most likely will chain you on a wall over long periods of time as I cut your flesh with the sharpened bones of previous wives. Don't tell the authorities, these are legitimate threats.

I also bank with Liberty Mutual. Non-smoker preferred.

I'm looking for very specific qualities in a woman. She must be:
1. Giving
2. Below most standards of retardation
3. Conductive of electrcitiy
4. more than 2" saucer nipples
5. have red pubic hair
6. Prefer Root Beer to BDSM
7. needs to be able to kitten wrangle
8. can cook with cum
9. Willing to not go into 3rd Bedroom
10. awaits a good beating
11. doesn't have any living relatives
12. Fine with handling hazardous chemicals in a small environment
13. wont mind using vagina mints
14. is okie-dokie with polygamy
15. Has no trouble being willing to assimilate into Western Culture.