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hello...this is david in warsaw, new york...warsaw is a small, sometimes even quaint village located in upstate new york (nearby lakes erie and ontario)...at 4:10 P.M. on november 29, 1967, i entered this world in brookdale hospital, in brooklyn, new york...i am the only son to nurith laufer and arthur weitzman...i have one sister named wendy sue cohen...my parents are retired and currently live somewhere near the top of a mountain in italy...wendy and the balance of her own nuclear family (consisting of her husband, son, daughter and dog) live in bethesda, maryland...wendy is the vice president of the american gastroenterological association...during the first 28 years of my life, i was raised, formally educated and gainfully employed between the metropolitan and upstate new york regions...my parents did well providing for my basic needs...unfortunately, they were not loving, affectionate and nurturing people...they argued incessantly about anything and everything...furthermore, both my mother and her mother suffered severely from but never sought professional help for their elevated generalized anxiety and obsessive-compulsive
disorder...an d...as one might suspect...i developed increasingly debilitating cases of clinical depression, elevated generalized anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder, schizoaffective disorder, schizoid disorder and schizo-personality disorder of my own, over time (by virtue of genetics, negative behavioral reinforcement and a proclivity for self-isolation)...despite this fact, i excelled both academically and athletically, in high school - i graduated 13th in a class of approximately 200 students, played football and tennis, and also participated in other extracurricular activities...during these high school years, i developed rather intense interests in writing (especially creatively) and sports in general, and upon graduating, wanted very badly to pursue a degree in sports journalism at one of the renowned ivy league institutions, columbia university, in the heart of new york city...due to my failure to excel on the standardized college entrance examination, the powers that be at columbia university did not deem me worthy of attending their school...in turn, i was forced to consider going to school elsewhere, and ultimately, decided to attend the university of rochester in upstate new york because, of all the remaining schools on my list of possible schools to attend, it seemed strongest from an academic standpoint
unfortunately, the university of rochester did not have a communications program through which i could earn a degree in sports journalism...as a result, i initially declared my major in what i believed was the next closest discipline to journalism -
english...well, after one semester of somehow sitting through the drone of the bespectacled english professor at 8 A.M. three times per week, reading books in which the sentences lasted literally pages and were incoherent, and experiencing excruciating difficulty writing about this material, i realized that i simply could not major in english or any discipline requiring extensive writng, for that matter...after taking that proverbial step backwards to reconsider my options for a major, i understood that, during high school, i always enjoyed and excelled in the sciences and mathematics...in turn, the only remaining decision was whether to major in a pure science, mathematics and/or an applied science, such as engineering..i decided to major in engineering, and in particular, mechanical engineering…in retrospect, this program’s coursework was primarily interesting and enjoyable, and not too vexing from a theoretical standpoint…however, the workload was enormous…I spent many an hour working on computer design projects and fumbling my way through laboratory assignments…I did many an “all-nighter,” and often felt numb, dead and/or robotic-like, as I inhabited the school’s campus
almost immediately after surviving long enough to graduate in may of 1989, I relented to my parents’ wishes for me to begin searching for a job related to my degree…in august of 1989, I started working as a production engineer for a Japanese-based steering wheel manufacturer, izumi corporation, on long island…I utterly despised this job…I hated working in an industrial environment…I hated the majority of the work I did…I often felt completely lost in that environment because my position required at least some hands-on experience in engineering, and I did not have any…all too often, I felt like a walking textbook, an absent-minded production engineer…Ironicallly, as I began to develop some hands-on skills and even embark on relevant engineering projects, this country’s recession in august of 1990 forced the company to lay-off many of its employees, including me…subsequently, I collected unemployment for the next three months, before I decided to relocate back up to Rochester, new york, with the hope of improving my chances of securing employment, again…within a few months, I began working as an account manager for a retail rental store, rainbow rent-to-own, and ultimately, served as its assistant manager…unfortunately, as the assistant store manager, I focused heavily upon the inherently stressful collections aspect of my position…after a while, the work became too stressful for me, and I relocated back to long island to pursue a career in landscaping…and…for the next five years…I hopped around from one job to another…I worked as a security guard, hotel night auditor, warehouse manager, collegiate assistant football coach, roofer, telemarketer, and on two occasions, a car rental agent…without ever finding my niche…along the way, I relocated a total of three times after which I resided in the city of Beatrice, Nebraska for the better part of ten years
shortly after moving to Nebraska, i finally realized and acknowledged that i suffered from the aforementioned cases of clinical depression, elevated generalized anxiety, etc. and that treatment options for these conditions
existed...throughout the past eleven years, i have worked diligently with various doctors and an array of other clinicians in the fields of "psychiatry" and "psychology" to help alleviate the symptoms of these medical disorders and elevate my overall level of functionability...along the way...my life unfortunately has undergone a roller coaster ride, on all levels (mentally, emotionally, physically, etc.)...i spent literally years self-isolating from the world, in a bedroom...i have been unable to establish a nurturing relationship with my son...i have been unable to form new friendships...many people, including my biological parents, friends and the first of the two women in my life, with whom i tried to be more than friends, have severed ties with me…abandoned me...in 2002, i attempted suicide, on four distinct occasions (obviously, unsuccessfully)...in the past three years, though, my psychiatric state has improved markedly, so much so that, with a little help, i now can return to work, further my education and, hopefully some day soon, begin realizing my dreams...VESID or vocational and educationl services for individuals with disabilities is just one program through which i am trying to achieve these goals...but...until i start realizing them, nathaniel and i will need to rely upon this federal government's disability program to live/survive...this program pays approximately $450.00/ month to nathaniel and $1,050/month to me...and...although these might seem like adequate amounts of money upon which to live…they aren't
now...to complicate matters even further from a physical standpoint...i underwent major abdominal surgery, during which the surgeon needed to remove approximately 2/3 of my colon,
in 2000...subsequent to undergoing dental work at that time, my dentist prescribed the antibiotic, cleocin, to prevent the onset of an infection...unfortunately, the introduction of this medicine into my bloodstream spawned an outbreak of potentially lethal bacteria in my large intestine(colon)...in fact, this bacteria actually started eating away the inner lining of my colon...during this process, i fainted, and upon arriving at the hospital, the medical staff immediately identified my condition as severe pseudomembranous colitis and performed an emergency ileostomy on me...in order to save my life, the surgeon deemed it necessary to remove the section of my large intestine, which the bacteria already ravaged...i obviously made it through this ordeal, but now contend with a more severe case of irritable bowel syndrome...my diet is quite restricted...i dehydrate very quickly...i take several medicines to slow the motility in my intestinal track and alleviate the dreaded gas which seemingly always builds up in my body...it is a struggle, but i have persevered (refer to 2 under extraneous thoughts)
socially, i always have been shy by nature...i always have lived on the periphery of society - the pariah viewing human social interaction from a distance...i never have propositioned a woman...on two occasions, though, i have relented to a woman's desire and will for us to try to become more than close friends
in the first scenario, i dated a young woman with whom i graduated high school, during our junior and senior years of college in upstate new york (she attended cornell university, while i attended the university of rochester)...through this relationship, i realized one of my ever-intensifying fears - completely losing a person, who is dear to me, by virtue of an individual's decision to cut me out of that person's life...we not only "crashed and burned" in our attempt to forge and sustain a more intimate relationship, but apart from two telephone conversations and the receipt of her own nuclear family's holiday card, ceased communicating altogether (despite my many ongoing attempts to remain in touch with her and thereby resurrect our friendship from the ashes)
in the second case, a woman with whom i worked questioned me about whether i would be willing to try to become more than friends, yet again...and...due to my inability to say, "no," in such circumstances, i said,
"yes,"...thereafter, we shared our lives for the greater part of the next eleven years during which time we lived in new york, north carolina and nebraska...along the way, and perhaps most importantly, we also sired a baby boy named, "nathaniel - nathaniel donovan weitzman"...unfortunately, for several reasons, our relationship invariably crumbled...my feelings for nathaniel's mother changed over time - i no longer loved her, but i still cared deeply for and wanted to maintain a friendship with her...she, however, was unable to accept the fact that i no longer loved her and was unable to live with someone who did not love her...as a result, we inevitably argued a lot, and created an unstable and somewhat hostile home environment in which we were unable to nurture nathaniel's thoughts, emotions and life in general...at that time, nathaniel's mother was more capable of caring for him than i was...and...based upon all of the aforementioned factors, nathaniel's mother and i agreed that it would be in everyone's "best interest" if i moved out of the house in which i had lived with nathaniel and his mother for the better part of eight years and into another residence in that city...upon relocating, nathaniel's mother and i implicitly agreed to make "time spent between nathaniel and me" one of the top priorities in our three lives...two years passed, and i spent what would amount to only a few weeks, at most, with nathaniel...during this time - the time of our current economic recession - i was unable to secure employment and thereby generate a second income to the one which i receive through this government's social security disability income program...it was difficult making ends end meet, no less providing for nathaniel, as well...i spent most of my time alone...slowly but surely, i felt as though i were wasting away...i had to do something, or more precisely, some things...with the assistance of principally a distant friend's wife, i eventually moved out of nebraska and back to upstate new york, hoping to become more connected with the world around me and gainfully employed...i realized that, in the dying embers of this particular experience, i had left behind yet another friend who was dear to me, and more importantly, my son
throughout time, i have developed interests in and/or derived pleasure from reading, writing, listening to music (especially classical, new age and alternative rock and roll), watching and playing sports (i still dream of playing in and winning tennis' 2010 u.s. open men's final), taking long walks, cycling, watching movies, immersing myself in nature, photographing nature (especially the skies), tracking the extremes of climatology/meteorology (such as blizzards, tornadoes, tropical cyclones, etc.), upholding my and other people's civil rights, doing domestic chores and projects, listening to the silence, falling rain and wind, and relaxing in the darkness...in the shadows
with all of this stated, i now consider myself a genuinely good-natured human being who, at slightly under 6' and 180lbs., is physically desirable, honest, thoughtful, kind, giving, perceptive, articulate, open-minded, largely uninhibited (especially with respect to emotional and physical intimacy), intense and very dream-oriented...one such dream is to establish and sustain a singular relationship with a holistically beautiful woman which blossoms...grows...as intimate as humanly possible, in all conceivable ways...along with being physically desirable, honest, kind, open-minded, dream-oriented and as passionate about establishing and sustaining such a relationship, this special woman ideally will not give up on me and "us" because of money or her inability to wait until we finally can be together...she will enjoy spending time in the natural environment, interacting with children and most types of other animals, watching and participating in sports, listening to music/sounds, watching films in the cinema and the coziness of our "home," preparing, and amidst the surrounding candle-lit darkness, eating delicious meals together, to soft, relaxing music, dancing ever so slowly to this music when we finish eating, and as we sway to and fro, alternately removing each other's clothing and tenderly kissing one another's exposed skin en route to passionately making love until we are breathless, melting into each other as her body's warmth flows through mine and mine flows through hers, falling asleep and awakening in each other's all-enveloping embrace, watching the sun rise and set, walking hand-in-hand and arm-in-arm along some majestic seashore or through a quaint village's alleyways.....all of this.....again and again and again, until we no longer can...take care, for now...hoping you're that special woman...yours truly, david, shadowedsoul
extraneous thoughts
1. after approximately four decades of my life, i finally have realized that all i ever really wanted and needed is to be loved and cared for as completely and unconditionally as humanly possible…and…perhaps, more importantly…love and care for someone else as completely and unconditionally as humanly possible
2. i explained all of this to you because i believe that, if we are one another's closest friend, lover and soul mate, we should communicate about anything and everything, regardless of the nature of the communicated information....i elaborated on my ongoing health-related issues because not only did they almost kill me, on five distinct occasions, but they continue to and probably always will impact my life...even my capacity to function in the most basic ways, on really, really bad days...i just want you to be well aware of and bgein to understand all of this, in advance of our meeting/spending time together...and if...at some point along the way...you decide that you no longer want and need to pursue a life-long, holistically-intimate relaionship with me because of my health issues, then i will understand...i will be disappointed, but i definitely will understand
3. i wish you only the very best in life…take care for, hopefully, only now
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